Thinking 30...

I really REALLY wanted to start and finish 2014 priding myself in the fact that I had no melt downs related to turning 30. I was hell bent on solely celebrating this milestone. Not grieving my 20's or beating myself up too horribly for failing to find a cure for the common cold or win a nobel peace prize. I'm 30, I'm healthy, I'm married with 2 beautiful children... Smug smug smug, sipping champagne and far too fabulous to have a turning-30-wobble was how I wanted to ring in my thirties.

Turns out I am not as immune from a third-life crisis as I'd hoped and on Saturday night I had this horrible panic I hadn't done enough with myself to warrant 30 years well spent. A feeling that I haven't done the best I could do. I used to pride myself in being a bit of a jack of all trades (master of nothing)... But now it's bothering me and I don't feel ok about it. And genuinely very uncomfortably not good.

I suspect it's something to do with having two babies, this feeling of what a weighted responsibility that is and what a time constraint that will always be from here on in. I rarely do my weekly supermarket shop in person in favour of online shopping... How on earth will I ever squeeze a career in?!

Part of me is happy for the "hunger" for it but yeurgh... Until I figure out how I'm going to direct it it's not that welcome. Why now too? I never had a second of missing work before now... Why now with a 9 week old newborn and toddler too young for preschool? I do this a lot, like I never officially go on a diet because just the word itself has me instantly jonesing for a bar of Green & Blacks finest.

Hmmm... Thinking and planning ahead...

And what's better for thinking and planning than our new clean living regime... Walking and green food ahoy!